Mom, If Your Child Needs Therapy, It’s Not a Parenting Failure
If you’re a mom who keeps telling yourself, ‘I’ve failed as a parent if my child goes to therapy,’ the only thing you’re failing at is giving yourself grace.
It seems like the goal of parenting is to raise a child so perfectly that they always regulate their emotions, never struggle, never need help, never have to unpack anything. As if therapy is an F on the parenting report card instead of what it actually is—a normal, healthy tool.
We’re out here terrified that if our kid ends up in therapy, it means we’ve already failed.
And worse—it’s causing moms to have anxiety, being so consumed with preventing our kids from ever needing therapy that we end up needing it ourselves (completely unintentionally, of course).
Why This Mom Mindset is a Patriarchal Mind Game
A big reason why we’re carrying this weight is what Impossible Parenting calls status safeguarding—the idea that parents (mothers, mostly) are responsible for making sure their kids have equal or better status than they did.
Translation: If your kid struggles, it’s your fault. If they succeed, you did your job.
The patriarchy loves this dynamic because it keeps mothers locked in a never-ending cycle of self-blame and hyper-vigilance. We’re expected to not only keep our kids alive but also ensure they’re:
Emotionally intelligent and resilient
Academically successful
Financially stable
Socially competent
Well-fed, but not too well-fed
Independent, but also attached enough to call us every Sunday
And if they don’t check all these boxes? It’s the mom’s fault.
My Kid Needed Therapy and…
When my son was five, we started seeing some major mood shifts—thanks to the pandemic, but if I’m being honest, it started before that.
What we didn’t know then? He had a highly sensitive temperament, sensory processing challenges, and undiagnosed ADHD.
And when we were stuck inside for months—no support, no structure, no clue what was happening inside our own nervous systems as parents—it all came to a head.
So, I did what any parent would do. I booked appointment after appointment, looking for answers. I had Dr. Google, but everything I read felt like speculation—like a chaotic mental guessing game with all our sanity at stake.
I remember sitting in the pediatrician’s office, nervously skirting around what I was really asking:
"What can I do? Why is this so hard? How do I fix this?"
She listened. She didn’t brush me off. But she also didn’t have any answers. I wish, at the very least, she had just given it to me straight.
Because here’s the truth: Finding the right support, the right diagnosis—it taught me a lot. But it could’ve been so much easier if someone had just looked me in the eye and said:
"This is affecting you. You can take this to therapy. He can take this to therapy. It’ll change everything."
But now that I think about it… maybe someone did say that. Maybe I wasn’t ready to hear it.
Anyway—here’s what I know now: You don’t know what you don’t know… until you do. And that’s anxiety-inducing as hell.
There are so many things I would do differently now—a whole arsenal of ammo for my kids to take to therapy one day. And I’m finally okay with that.
Why Do Moms See Therapy as an F on the Parenting Report Card?
Because many of us grew up in households where emotions weren’t exactly welcomed.
Big feelings? Punished.
“Acting out”? Dragged to the bathroom for a “talk” that was definitely not a talk.
So we learned to shut it down. Suppress. Package it up neatly so we didn’t get in trouble.
And our parents? They weren’t villains. They were parenting with the only tools they had. No parenting blogs. No social media therapists telling them how to "regulate their nervous system" before and after responding to a tantrum.
Now? We have all the tools. But knowing better means we HAVE to do better (all the time):
✅ Regulate your nervous system so your child can co-regulate.
✅ Teach emotional literacy so your kid never suppresses their feelings.
✅ Model conflict resolution so they grow up emotionally intelligent.
✅ Do it all perfectly, because if they ever end up in therapy, you failed—and guess what? It's probably your fault.
See the problem?
We’ve replaced emotional suppression with emotional enmeshment.
Many of my clients think they’re regulating but are actually absorbing every emotion their kids have—taking full responsibility for their entire mental and emotional well-being. And it’s breaking moms.
For The Mom Who Thinks She’s Done Unrepairable Damage
If you’re reading this and thinking, Shit. I actually am the reason my kid needs therapy, I want you to hear this:
🚫 Shame won’t fix it.
🚫 Self-blame won’t undo it.
✅ What will? Owning it. Repairing. Learning. Showing up differently now.
Parenting isn’t about never messing up—it’s about messing it up and repairing.
If you have the courage to face this—to look at the pain, take accountability, and do the work—you are already breaking cycles.
And that? That is powerful.
What to Focus on Instead of Perfect Parenting
Instead of trying to ALWAYS be good and right, try this:
When you start spiraling, pause and ask yourself: Would I judge my best friend for this?
When the “therapy = failure” thought creeps in, flip the script: Wouldn’t it have been amazing if we had this option as kids?
When you feel overwhelmed by all the advice, pick just one thing to focus on this week (and maybe leave your phone in another room for a bit).
You don’t need to fix everything overnight. You just need to keep showing up.
One of my kids had to have dental surgery. He hated getting his teeth brushed. And during the pandemic, we weren’t as on top of it as we should’ve been. So we paid the price—$5,000 worth of dental work, right in the gut of my mom guilt.
I remember sitting in my moms' group, spiraling, saying: "I feel like a bad mom. How can I not think I did this to him? What if he needs therapy because of my mistakes?"
And one of the moms, in all her wisdom, simply said: "Let him take it to therapy." Let him.
Because my best had consequences. But it was still my best.
And that’s true for all of us.
So, If Your Kid Ends Up in Therapy? That’s Not Failure.
Every single person is capable of toxic patterns, bad habits, and messy communication. Therapy isn’t a grade on your parenting.
It’s a tool. A resource. A freaking gift.
I love therapy. What a gift it would’ve been if my mom had found me an art therapist when I was an anxious, risk-taking, angsty teenager.
So if your kid ends up in therapy, it doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re a human parent, and parenting is both messy and magical.
And if you need therapy too? Even better. Because healing doesn’t stop with them—it actually starts with you.
Now close this parenting advice tab and go eat something. Preferably something that didn’t come from your kid’s half-eaten plate.
You’re not failing—you’re just parenting in a world that wants to convince you that you are.
What’s inside The Motherload Membership?
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Quarterly Live Courses: Workshops where we work through the emotional, mental, and creative layers of motherhood—together.
Community Chat Spaces: A judgment-free zone to vent, share, and celebrate with other moms who understand what it feels like to be in the thick of it all.
Pre-Recorded Resources: A library of courses to explore whenever we need them, at our own pace.
1:1 Welcome Session: A private chat with me to help us set meaningful goals within the membership and ensure we're getting the most out of this space.
And to kick off March 2025, we’re starting our first 📣 LIVE: Flip the Script
A Creative Guide to Shifting Our Inner Dialogue (For Moms Who Are Over the “Just Think Positive” Stuff)
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This information is for educational purposes only. Kayla cannot provide personalized advice or recommendations for your unique situation or circumstances. Therefore, nothing on this page or website should replace therapeutic recommendations or personalized advice. If you require such services, please consult with a medical or therapeutic provider to determine what's best for you. Kayla cannot be held responsible for your use of this website or its contents. Please never disregard or delay seeking medical or therapeutic treatment because of something you read or accessed through this website.
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