26. Why Motherhood Feels Impossible: The "Good" Mother Myth, and Feeling Like a Failure with Olivia Scobie (1 of 3)
Parenting today feels like running a marathon but the finish line keeps moving, the crowd is screaming conflicting advice, and every mile marker has a new rule you didn’t know existed.
The pressure to be a good mother-selfless, patient, effortlessly nurturing, always "enough"-is relentless.
I devoured Olivia Scobie’s book, Impossible Parenting, over a weekend, and every word felt like a deep exhale. As someone who has wrestled with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and carried the invisible weight of modern motherhood for years, Olivia’s insights were both validating and liberating.
She reassured me that I wasn’t broken or failing—there are real reasons why so many of us feel overstimulated, exhausted, and desperate to be the mythical “right” kind of mom.
In this first episode of a three-part series, Olivia and I break down the impossible expectations of motherhood and why so many parents feel like they’re failing. We explore what it actually means to be a “good” mother (hint: it’s not what you’ve been led to believe), the importance of self-parenting, and why outsourcing isn’t a cop-out—it’s a survival strategy.
This episode is for you if:
✅ You’ve ever felt like a failure as a mom.
✅ You’ve been shamed for not loving every moment of parenting.
✅ You’re exhausted by the pressure to do it all, perfectly, all the time.
Join us as Olivia unpacks the toxic myths that fuel parenting anxiety and shares how to navigate the messiest, hardest seasons of motherhood without losing yourself in the process.
The "Good" Mother Myth, and Why It’s Okay to Not Love Every Stage
Anxiety and the fear of failure are like those unwelcome houseguests in motherhood—showing up uninvited, overstaying their welcome, and whispering doubts in your ear while you try to microwave your coffee again.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re failing at being a “good” mother, you’re not alone. Let’s be real: modern parenting standards feel impossible. The pressure to get it all right while also keeping yourself fed, sane, and minimally hygienic? It’s too much.
That’s where Olivia’s work comes in. As the author of Impossible Parenting, she has spent years untangling the suffocating expectations placed on parents and exposing why so many of us feel like we’re failing at a game rigged against us.
So let’s dive in—because if you’ve ever felt like you’re the only one barely holding it together, I promise you: you are not alone.
The goalposts for being a “good” mother keep shifting. One minute, you’re winning because you xyz. The next, you’re losing because you didn’t abc.
Every parenting decision comes with a side of shame if you let the internet (or your mother-in-law) dictate the rules.
Olivia lays out six key beliefs that have shaped the modern, anxiety-inducing, impossible that underpin the new culture of Impossible Parenting:
1. The More You Sacrifice, The More You Love
Translation: If you’re not exhausted, overstimulated, and running on caffeine fumes, are you even parenting correctly? This belief tells parents that suffering equals love. If you choose the easy route (hello, store-bought snacks and screen time), it must mean you don’t love your kids enough. Spoiler: that’s a lie.
2. Invest Now, Reap the Rewards Later
This is the whole if you do everything right, your kid won’t end up in therapy narrative. As if there’s some foolproof formula where cloth diapers, homemade baby food, and Montessori toys guarantee a future free of student debt and bad dating choices. Reality check: There is no such formula.
3. Danger is Everywhere—Stay Vigilant
This is the one that has you Googling “choking hazards” at 2 a.m. It convinces parents that constant monitoring and research is the only way to keep kids safe. And it’s exhausting.
4. Keep it Natural (Or Else)
Ah yes, the pressure to live a perfectly “clean” lifestyle—gluten-free, sugar-free, toxin-free, joy-free. If you dare buy store-bought snacks instead of baking with organic oat flour and love, the guilt is instant. But here’s the thing: parenting is hard enough without adding an unnecessary purity test.
5. Prescribed Self-Care Will Fix Everything
Ever been told to just take a bubble bath when you’re drowning in parental burnout? The way our culture weaponizes self-care makes it seem like parents should fix their stress with a candle and a face mask instead of, you know, actual support.
6. Make Every Moment Magical
This is the unrelenting pressure to curate and document every parenting experience for social media. Scrapbook-worthy moments are great, but the reality? Sometimes “making memories” looks like a meltdown in the Target parking lot.
Why Feeling Like a Failure is a Motherhood Epidemic
Olivia and I talked about how so many parents (especially moms) struggle with the feeling that they’re just not doing enough. And honestly? It makes sense.
As a mom you’re expected to:
✅ Work (or be the primary caregiver).
✅ Keep the house from descending into chaos.
✅ Meet your child’s every emotional and physical need.
✅ Maintain some kind of social life (ha).
✅ Keep yourself (somewhat) mentally and physically healthy.
✅ Not let your kid end up in therapy (newsflash: they probably will, and that’s okay).
The emotional labor is never-ending, and so is the anxiety.
Olivia shared that when parents—especially new ones—talk about feeling like failures, they’re usually collapsing two things together:
The actual work of parenting (feeding, clothing, waking up in the middle of the night).
The relationship with their child (attachment, love, connection).
When we focus only on the hard, repetitive work of parenting, it’s easy to feel like we’re failing. But when we zoom out and see the big picture—the relationship we’re building—things start to shift.
You’re Not a Failure-You’re in a Clunky Spot
One of the most healing takeaways from our conversation was this: Every parent has a “sweet spot” and a “clunky spot.”
You might love the school-age years when kids can have conversations and play board games. But maybe the baby years feel like a prison sentence. That’s okay.
You don’t have to adore every phase. You don’t have to be good at every phase. You just have to get through it.
And if you're in your clunky spot? That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means it’s time to:
✔ Identify what’s making it hard.
✔ See if you can outsource or adjust your approach.
✔ Not make it mean anything about your worth as a parent.
Why We Accept “Not Liking” Teens, But Not Babies
One of the most unfair narratives in parenting? The way we talk about different phases.
It’s totally normal for parents to admit they struggle with the teenage years. People nod along sympathetically when a mom says, “Ugh, my teenager is so moody, I can’t wait until this phase is over.” Society accepts that raising teens is hard.
But say, “I don’t really enjoy the baby stage,” and suddenly, you’re cold, ungrateful, or unmaternal.
Olivia calls those early baby days the Potato Phase—because let’s be real, babies don’t do much at first. They eat. They sleep (sometimes). They cry. They need you constantly. Some parents love that predictability. Others? Not so much.
Some moms adore snuggling their newborn for hours. Others feel isolated, overstimulated, and like their entire identity is slipping away into a sea of spit-up.
Some moms thrive in the toddler years—watching their little one’s personality emerge, even when that personality comes with a side of public tantrums. Others feel like they’re being held hostage by tiny, emotional terrorists.
Some love the school-age years when kids become independent and (mostly) reasonable humans. Others struggle with the endless logistics—forms, activities, the sheer amount of organizing required.
The bottom line? Every parent has a “sweet spot” and a “clunky spot.”
You are not a failure if one stage is harder for you than another. The idea that we should enjoy every moment of parenting is a lie—one that fuels anxiety and makes moms feel like they’re doing it wrong.
What to Do When You Feel Like a Failure
Take Inventory of Your Actual Wins
If your kids are fed, clothed (most of the time), and loved, you’re doing better than you think.Outsource Whatever You Can
Even small shifts (delegating bedtime, using grocery delivery, or hiring a mother’s helper) can be game-changing.Quit the Social Media Comparison Trap
Nobody’s posting their kid’s tantrum in aisle five.Allow Yourself to Dislike Certain Stages
Not loving every moment doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a human one.Redefine Self-Care as Self-Parenting
Think beyond the bubble bath. Olivia reframes self-care as:Rest (actual rest, not just “zoning out” on your phone).
Play (what’s something fun just for you?).
Boundaries (saying no without guilt).
Rituals (small things that ground and soothe you).
Community Care: The Secret to Survival
One of the biggest lightbulb moments in our conversation? You don’t have to do it all.
If you don’t love a certain stage of parenting, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you might need more support in that area.
💡 Hate the newborn stage? Maybe short-term childcare or meal delivery is worth the investment.
💡 Drowning in school forms? Tag your partner in.
💡 Exhausted by toddler meltdowns? Lean on your community.
Mothers are not meant to parent in isolation. Historically, we raised kids in villages, with support woven into daily life. The whole “do everything yourself” model is new—and it’s not working.
You’re Already a Good Mother
If you’ve ever worried that you’re failing your kids? It’s a sign that you care deeply. And that alone makes you a good mom.
Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up. And on the days you feel like a mess? Your kids still see you. And you—in all your imperfect, trying-your-best, tired-but-loving glory—are enough.
So let’s collectively throw out the impossible parenting rulebook. Because spoiler alert: It was never written by actual parents anyway.
Feeling Seen? Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
Motherhood isn’t meant to be done alone, and neither is figuring out how to be a “good” mom when the world keeps telling you you’re failing.
💌 Subscribe to The Motherload Membership where we untangle the stress, guilt, and cortisol spikes of motherhood, one manageable step at a time.
📲 Follow me on Instagram @kayla.huszar for more messy, real, and actually helpful content on mental health, parenting, and why we need to stop expecting moms to do it all.
Because the truth is? You’re already doing enough. ❤️
📖 Want More? Grab Olivia Scobie’s book Impossible Parenting here and listen to our full conversation on the podcast.
Next up: Intrusive Thoughts and Motherhood—The Stuff No One Talks About. Stay tuned! 💛
Chill Like a Mother Podcast Guest:
Olivia (MSW, RSW, MA) is an Ontario-based queer social work counselor specializing in perinatal mood, reproductive trauma, parental mental health, and provider burnout.
With a commitment to continuous learning, she is currently pursuing a PhD in Health Policy and Equity, focusing on the reproductive trauma experiences of LGBT+ birthers. Olivia is the co-founder of Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings and the founder of Postpartum Support Toronto (now Perinatal Wellbeing Ontario). Her belief in eating dessert every day, telling your story, and barrier-free access to healing services shapes her approach to supporting parents.
Additionally, you can find more resources and information on perinatal mental health on the Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings website, as well as on their Instagram page (@perinatalmentalhealthtrainings) and Facebook page (Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Training).
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