Mom Guilt, Mental Load, and Letting Go: What I Learned From Parenting While Sick
Somewhere between my fever spiking to 103°F and day three of my kids all-carb diet (hello, chicken strips and Lucky Charms), I had a realization… I do a lot of parenting from guilt (and not just on the tough days).
It took getting full-blown pneumonia, solo parenting while my husband was away for two weeks, and having absolutely no choice but to let go to see just how much I’ve been holding onto - gripping tightly to the expectations I put on myself (and my kids) to be a “good” mom.
The Mental Load of Motherhood: Why We Feel Guilty
I didn’t see a lot of rested women growing up. I saw women who handled things - who carried the weight of the world on thier shoulders without ever setting it down. Who did what needed to be done. Who kept their struggles quiet and their schedules full. I also saw how they talked about the women who did put themselves first - with judgment, with skepticism, with that subtle undercurrent of wouldn’t that be nice and who does she think she is?
So, of course, I absorbed that. I thought I was going with the flow, but in reality, I’ve been trying to control so much. A good mom in my head is selfless, never loses her cool, and is emotionally regulated (while regulating everyone else too). And when I inevitably couldn’t live up to that, I felt like I was failing.
On a bigger scale, we all know where mom guilt comes from - capitalism, the patriarchy, and society loving a “good” selfless mother.
A woman who gives and gives and never asks for anything in return.
A woman who “just pushes through.”
A woman who does it all at the expense of her own well-being and gets a gold star for it.
If this is you, you’ve probably been complimented on how you can do it all or celebrated for never taking/needing a break.
But is that really something to celebrate?
Do you feel like you always have to be "on" as a parent?
What happens when you’re not?
Where did your expectations of motherhood come from?
Are they serve you?
How do you feel when you see another mom prioritizing herself?
What Happened When I Let Go of Guilt
Even as I lay in bed on day five of a fever, barely able to move, there was a part of me thinking, I should really get up and do something. But you know what happened when I didn’t (couldn’t)?
My Kids Adapted and Nothing Fell Apart
In my mind, if I wasn’t actively managing life, everything would unravel.
I pictured more carbs, sibling rivalry, tears, tantrums, a full household collapse.
Instead, my kids… just rolled with it. They ate frozen food, watched way too much TV, and checked on me - popping in with wide eyes, asking if I needed water or if they should “call someone.”
The hardest part for my kids wasn’t the:
Lack of colorful food
Lack of structure or my hyper-vigilant emotional regulation
Extra screen time
It was watching me - completely useless in a fevered state - call people in for help without my usual long, drawn-out discussion about why, who, when, and for how long.
And honestly? That part was hard for me too.
Before they left for a sleepover, my youngest curled up next to me, rubbing my arm the way I do for them when they’re sick. “You’re really hot,” they whispered, like they had just diagnosed me with the Black Plague.
The worry that usually runs on a loop in my head before someone else cares for my kids…
Will they be okay with so-and-so?
Will they eat what’s cooked?
Will they fall asleep without the ABC routine?
…turned out to be completely fabricated. They ate. They slept. And those other adults? They handled the emotions good enough for me to get the rest I desperately needed.
It felt oddly freeing to lower the bar and let the kids fend for themselves with a steady diet of cereal and chicken strips. Nothing fell apart. They adapted. There were hard moments - times when they were scared for me and my health. But we figured it out, we survived.
So much of motherhood feels like holding things together with sheer willpower. But what if you could let go of the guilt…?
If this sounds familiar, take a moment to reflect:
What do you believe will happen if you stop managing everything?
Is that belief based on reality?
How do your kids respond when you let go a little? What do you notice?
When was the last time you got a break without feeling the mom guilt?
My Mom Guilt vs. Reality: What I Learned
I’m taking away that I’m too “on” all the time. I need to let go, focus on ME a little more, and take the heat off them. Now that I’m passed the worst of the pneumonia, I’m noticing I’m in a much more relaxed state, and while I know it’s going to be hard to maintain this flowy attitude, I want to try.
So… I’ve been on my phone way less - meditating, journaling, and actually getting sick of scrolling.
If my kids can adapt, maybe I can too. Maybe I don’t have to feel so much guilt while holding on so tightly.
Your Permission to Let Go of Mom Guilt
So if you need permission to lower the bar, here it is.
Let the chicken strip dinner happen.
Let yourself rest.
And maybe - just maybe - see what happens when you stop holding everything so tightly.
What’s one thing you can feel less guilty about today/this week?
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And to kick off March, we’re starting our first 📣 LIVE: Flip the Script
A Creative Guide to Shifting Our Inner Dialogue (For Moms Who Are Over the “Just Think Positive” Stuff)
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